I wasn't allowed to:
shower myself (until I was 13 and out of their care)
play with other children
stay up past seven
go to the restroom after bedtime (NO exceptions)
come out of my room until 9am( which as time went on became later and later)
go to the restroom without permission
to watch TV
Play outside
talk to anyone
have seconds at meal time
play with animals
*go to public school
Most young kids are taught to bathe themselves at a certain age. I think baths are ok alone around 3-4, and showering alone becomes ok, shortly after that. Children are not stupid, and learn quite quickly. I on the other hand, was not allowed to shower myself, or BY myself (my sister would join me most times, as she was still being taught) until I was no longer in their care. (age 13) closer to the end, it became a burden to shower me, so one week Pam went a whole week without telling me to come take a shower. I was never allowed to ask for anything or I was reprimanded, and therefore, did not bother her for a shower, for a week. At the end of the week, I remember sitting in my place in the backyard, on the porch where I was not allowed to move from, and her coming outside and looking at me once again with the look of pure disgust. She said to me, "you stink. I cannot believe that you have gone a whole week without even mentioning a shower. How gross. Get inside." After she showered me like a child, she told me that since I had gone a full week without asking, I must not need a shower but once a week. So from then on, I was only given a shower once a week. To make up for the time in between I would slather on deoderant which eventually stained my armpits black. To this day I have discolored underarms. I was 10 when this incident occurred.
I was not allowed to play with other children either, not even my brothers and sisters. Being homeschooled, that pretty much left me alone. Because of this, my imagination had to be somewhat creative. My day went like this for many years: wake up at 7am, because my room faced the morning sun. Sit in my room for two or more hours until Pam came and let me go to the bathroom, get dressed, eat a bowl of chex, which i always tried to eat as slow as possible because that was all I would get until she decided it was lunchtime. Then I would do one of two things, I would either A. sit at the L shaped dining room table all day, or B. sit outside on the back porch, not allowed to move from it again, ALL day. Come inside for lunch, which was a bologna and mayo sandwich, every day, no exceptions. Then back outside, or continue to sit at the table. I was given my homework (if I was lucky, most days I did nothing) and then the family would join me for dinner. I was allowed one plate of what was being served, never allowed to have seconds, and if I didn't eat fast enough ( I was given 5-10 minutes) my food got taken and thrown away. Once dinner was over, I was sent to the restroom and then straight to bed. I was not allowed to go to the bathroom after my door was closed. I am quite embarrassed to let this part be known, but this is tell all or nothing. I remember a night that after i had been sent to bed I needed to use the restroom so badly. I needed to go #2. I opened my door and peeked my head out and began calling into the front of the house saying I needed to go. I should mention that the restroom was right outside my door. But had I dared to just go without permission, I would have been beated with their wooden/holed paddle. So after being told no, and to go to bed, I began to cry and insist I was not lying, and needed to go. Pam came storming down the hall, saying to go back into my room, and when I would not, she got in my face, and told me again to go back to my bed. I would not, so she advanced, tears streaming down my face as I stood there trying to hold myself together, and in my fear, my body betrayed me. my bowels released and emptied all over the floor. I began to sob harder, and louder, as a hand came across my face, and words of disgust spewed at me. I was sent back to bed, and the next day, a baby alarm was hung on the outside of my door, and if that went off, without a hitch, Pam was in my room, with the paddle.
I still was not allowed to use the restroom upon request, and after that incident my water was restricted, not just before bed, but throughout the day. I only recieved a small 8oz cup at lunch and dinner. This is when I began sneaking into the bathroom and stealing water with the cap of my deodorant. I when I was caught doing this, the permission to use the restroom wasn't enough. She would stand there and WATCH me, to make sure I didn't steal water. I was able to find other ways of getting water though. My gaurdian father was a gardener, and would back his trailer onto the side of the house, right under my window, so when everyone was sleeping at night, I would climb out of my window and steal ice from his cooler. I would put it in a sock, and while it melted, I would suck on the sock. I did this for a while, and since I was not allowed out of my room after 7pm, and not before 9am+, I would open my window, stick my butt out, and pee down the side of the wall. It disgusted me, just as it disgusted Pam when she caught me, and proceeded to beat me for it. A lock was installed on my window after that. So then when I had to go and could not hold it, I went in my closet, soaked it up with a sweater and threw the sweater to the top shelf. My room began to smell, and since Pam couldn't find the source, she assumed it was me, and began making me wash my walls with pure vinegar.
Those parts of my past, disgust even myself, but I get through the day knowing, I had no other choice.
I was never allowed to play with other children simply because Pam said I needed to learn how to play by myself first, and that in her eyes, I never had. So I was forced to go outside in our backyard and play by myself. I hated the swingset we had because it made me sick, and because I showed such an aversion to it, I was forced to swing on that swing for upwards of an hour a day, without stopping. once that was done, I had to do laps around our backyard, and then sit on the porch for the rest of the day. I remember our neighbors had a tall tree in their yard that had seeds in the shape of tear drops that would spin like a helicopter when they would fall from the tree. I loved this tree, and our backyard was filled with these little seeds all through fall. I would collect these seeds, and use sticks to crush them, a bottle cap for a bowl, and torn up leaves for salad, I would make salad for my sisters barbie dolls. I was bored out of my mind.
I remember one summer, it was so hot outside, upwards of 100* outside, and I was still made to sit out in the backyard. I was hot, and dehydrated and had to go to the restroom. All the other kids had been called inside out of the heat, and were sitting inside with the air on. It was awful. I was out in the heat from 10am-5pm that day. I was allowed in for my sandwich and promptly sent back outside into the heat. There were numerous days like this. All too similar to bother to tell each one. But summer wasn't always the worst.
As a young child, still full of memories of my mother, I would cry a lot at night. Sometimes the tears and sobs would wrack me to my core, and fill the house. On these nights, when Pam couldn't take the sound anymore, I was pushed outside onto the porch, in the dead of night, even in the pouring rain, until I could compose myself and promise I was done.
I am going to take a break here, and give another chance to stay or go...
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