When I was very young, (4-5) we had a rabbit named sunny. everyday we would take turns feeding Sunny. One day it was my turn to feed him, so I went out and gave him his cup of food. we kept him in the backyard. Later that day, Pam dragged me outside, and shoved my face towards the cage, yelling at me that I had killed their rabbit. confused and hurt I began to cry, and was spanked several times for it. She proceeded to yell at me for feeding the rabbit NEWSPAPER. I had not fed him newspaper and began to cry that I hadn't. I did feel guilty though, that in my curiosity I had put sand at the bottom of his bowl. After the death of Sunny, anytime a family pet passed, the blame was placed on me. When Finchter the bird got stung by a bee, I was the obvious culprit. when the two other rabbits they had died, one from choking on a leaf from the vines they were under, and one from heathstroke, I was the killer. It was insane. I was not an animal abuser, I loved animals, with the exception of Lacie. Lacie was a jack russel terrier/lab mix. She was a terrible dog. I was so small that this 20 lb dog was able to take me by the ankles and drag me around the backyard by my socks. I would cry about this to Pam, but all she said was don't let her. Yet if I pushed the dog, or kicked it away, She would come outside and spank me. So I never owned a pair of socks without holes or loss of elasticity while we had that dog. I have scars on my ankles from her teeth, and surprisingly, I still love dogs.
I still love rabbits, I still love birds.
I hated Holidays for the longest time. Christmas and birthdays were the worst. I am not an ungrateful person, but as a child I had a hard time when birthdays were "forgotten", and for christmas every year I recieved a pair of boys jeans because I did not deserve girls jeans. All the while, my 3 siblings had birthday parties and were showered with gifts for christmas. It was hard to swallow that as a child.
On my 13th birthday Pam took me to interview for placement in a group home. She brought my photo albums, filled with happy smiling pictures, and family trips to show what an ungrateful child I was for acting awful and being such a terrible child. I remember sitting in the waiting room with the receptionist and telling her it was my birthday. When the Lady Pam had been interviewing and been speaking with came out of the room, the lady glared at me and called me a nasty brat. Said she couldn't beleive how awful I was after they gave me everything and took me to do so many fun things. What this woman was unaware of, was that these photos were all taken either before a court date, social worker visit or family gathering. These events happened because it made me feel guilty if I told on them for the bad things. I never told the social workers because I would feel bad for tattling after my parents had been so nice and taken me to the park, or to get a toy. This woman took Pam's words to heart, and called me a nasty brat. On my birthday. One more down that I wouldn't enjoy, or want to remember. The woman denied me placement because of all the awful things that Pam told her about me. The lies that she spun were so hideous, that not even a home for troubled and dilequent teens wouldn't take me.
I am going to take a break for now. I have let out quite a bit. My head needs a break. Feel free to comment, share or message me.
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