We had gone to spend the day at Aunt Susie's house (Pam's sister) to celebrate Derek turning 14. He had been showered with gifts, and treats. The day had been pretty eventful, and I always enjoyed spending time with Aunt Susie. It was late when we got home, we lived in Riverside and she in Huntington Beach.
Aubrey and I shared our bedroom, as well as having a guest bed across the room from our bunk beds. She slept on the bottom, I the top. We had all gone to bed, and I remember I was wearing my favorite nightgown. It was an oversized, too big, fuchsia pink thing. It had a comic strip on the front, of Minnie Mouse in the sequence of getting dolled up for the day.I also wore a necklace with a heart pendant, it was the only nice thing that I owned. I always had quite a hard time sleeping, and tonight was no different. So I was surprised when in the dead of night, after everyone was fast asleep, my door cracked open, and a shadow walked in. I heard him whisper "hey" and heard the crunch and rustle of candy wrapper in his hand. He and I were the oldest, I of the girls, and he of the boys, so we had shared a small bond over that. But never a bond that tied us that close. I peeked over the railing on my bunk, and replied with a "hey".
He asked if he could come up and sit with me, and thinking nothing of it, I said sure. He climbed up the ladder, and sat with his back up to the wall and just looked at me, fiddling with the candy in his hand. I wasn't allowed to have candy. I looked back at him in the darkness of my room, and asked him why he was up. He told me he had eaten too much candy, and couldn't sleep. He asked if I wanted some. I said yes, and he put the contents of his hand into a small basket on my shelf. I said thank you, and he nodded. Then he asked if I wanted to keep the candy. What? I was confused and it showed on my face, because the words that came next were a bribe, quid pro quo, tit for tat- whatever. If you want to keep the candy, you have to do something for me. ---------Why was I so stupid? I didn't need candy, I wasn't allowed anyways, and what if I got caught with it, I would never be allowed to eat it. Unless I ate it all before morning. I could do that.---------I asked him what I had to do. He told me we had to shake on it first, so I couldn't go back on my word. Thinking I would have to clean his room, or do his chores, or keep a secret. Well I was partly right. "I want to go down on you." What? go down on me? I have to admit, even at 7 years old, I was not stupid, I knew what that meant, but why would he be asking that? That's gross! I'm a kid! He's a teenager! We are Family! But I had shaken on it. Right? I sat silently, and nodded my head. Cringing inside, he whispered for me to take off my underwear. I complied. Then he layed down, and motioned for me to do the same. (for my own personal wellness, and this being all or nothing, I am telling details, as sick as it makes me, and as sick as it may make you. Please no harsh words to me) When I layed down, he told me to straddle him, then proceeded to pick me up, and face me upside down. I silently cried. Disgusted, ashamed, hurt, betrayed. All while my little sister was in the bottom bunk, fast asleep.
We heard a noise in the hall, and I was quickly tossed to the mattress. He composed himself and I hugged my knees to my chest. The hall light flickered on, and my door opened, letting Pam and Bill into the room. I looked at them, wide eyed in horror and being caught like this, waiting to be yanked off the bed and beaten. I fiddled with my necklace so hard that the chain snapped from the pressure. I began to cry. Pam told Derek to get off the bed, and go to his room. I was taken to the living room. They sat me down and asked me what was going on. Would they really believe me? After all that they put me through? "No, nothing. We were just talking, and he was sharing his candy with me." Im sure it wont happen again, no point in making a big deal. I was sent back to bed. If I thought I had a hard time sleeping before, it was never the same after that.
One summer, not too long after the first instance, and not to be mistaken for only the second, I was outside, and Aubrey was sitting next to me. We had a sandbox in the shape of a tug boat that had long since been drained of its sand, and now served as a wading pool in the heat of the summer. It was empty today, and the shell top lid was on. There was a plastic rope connected to it, like the kind they use as handles to picnic drink buckets. The back door opened, and Derek walked around the corner carrying his electric keyboard. That keyboard was my favorite. But he already knew that. He set it next to the tugboat and sat next to us on the concrete porch. He said he wanted to have a secret hide out/ meeting. I knew what this meant. He explained that since the tugboat was too small for all three of us, that we would have our meetings one at a time. (I want to clear up, that nothing happened to Aubrey on this day, and if anything happened to her before or after this day, I am unaware, and she has not told me about it.) She went into her "meeting" first, and I was told to play on the keyboard until it was my turn. I listened to them talk about her stuffed animals, and our neighbor who was her best friend. They weren't under the lid long, and soon the top came up and Aubrey happily clambered out. She was 4-5 at this time. My chest tightened and my heart began to pump harder to compensate for the restriction in my chest. I stepped into the boat, and lowered myself onto my back as the lid closed over us. Aubrey began to play the keys and we spoke for a minute. He told me that since he had let me play the keyboard, it was his turn for a favor. Quid pro quo again. I didn't speak, just waited for my punishment. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his disgusting extremity. He told me to touch it. I couldn't make myself, I didn't want to. I wanted to run, my stomach lurched from the need to vomit. He glared at me, getting angry. "I let you use my keyboard. I didn't have to do that. I could have let you keep doing nothing, by yourself in the yard. I was trying to be nice!" I still could not force my hand to extend to him, so he grabbed my fingers and yanked my hand, making me pet his hardness. vomit rose in my chest, but stopped short where my throat had closed up. I turned my head and closed my eyes from the scene that my hand was taking place in. I blacked out from there, because I don't remember anything after that moment. The next thing I knew, I was sitting up in the tugboat, with the lid propped against the wall. The keyboard was gone, Aubrey was gone, Derek was gone. I was alone, sitting in a pool of my own shame, and his fluids.
When I was eleven I was small, flat chest, hair always cut like a boy against my will. Shirts hung from me, and I wore boys jeans. I was in the backyard one day while Pam was away. She was a Creative Memories consultant and was out at a show. When she was gone, I was allowed to play in the backyard and not be confined to the porch. I still could not play with other kids, but moving from the concrete was a treat for me. I sitting on the bars of our swingset, and flipped myself upside down, making sure to hold my shirt to keep from showing off mosquito bites. The sliding door opened, and Derek walked out, cool, calm and collected. He walked up to me. "You know you don't need to hold your shirt. You have nothing there." I know, I replied, but I kept my shirt held tight. "let it go"....no...."LET it GO". I had heard this tone many many times from him, and knew that I was not going to be given an option. Defeated, I let my top fall as I hung upside down from the bars.
There were many times I was violated, I was raped more than once, but as gruesome as the above details were, and as tight as my throat became just writing those memories, I am not mentally in a spot to recap those awful times. This went on for 7 years
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